Five things I'd like to tell myself when I was a dad to be

REFLECTING this weekend on how much life has changed since Jacob came tumbling into the world I thought to myself how great would it be to go back to your dad to be self for one day?

You could give yourself advice and tips on handling your little bundle of joy before he/she arrived and become a super dad in the process!

Oh how good would you look if you had the answers before the problem even occurred. As Pam was having a sleep and Jacob decided to have a snooze in my arms I thought I'd come up with five things I'd go back and tell myself.

1) Getting wee'd and poo'd on is normal - Before having a baby, the idea of being wee'd and poo'ed on is reserved for the more kinkier minded. Now it's normal, especially if you have a little boy. There's even the strange moment you enjoy it...no not because of what you are thinking you dirty minded lot....but you are happy your little pride and joy is not constipated!

2) The strangest things can settle your baby - Once winded, cleaned and fed they just cry for whatever reason. Your brain will start throwing suggestions and your little baby will suddenly respond. One such night involved me walking up and down the living room in the pitch black making endless shhhhhhhh noises.....

3) Babies trump and yes it's hillarious - winding a baby is amusing especially when they belch very VERY loudly but nothing beats a good old trump. What is even more amusing is when they do it so loud it actually wakes them up from a slumber. Juvenile humour yes but goodness they are a comedy goldmine at times.

4) You are going to feel like the ultimate stud - Dad's not going to lie to you the idea of going out on your own to give your beloved a lie in is daunting for two reasons a) Being seen with a pushchair could be seen as a bit feminine or b) They could start doing something only mummy knows how to cope with and your miles away from home! However after the first trip out a strange thing will happen, you will suddenly walk like you are totally on top of the situation and with a swagger that says 'Yes my tackle works and helped make this, I am male HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!.....or was that just me?

5) Conversations with the wife - be warned, when you talked about serious matters of state or your day, you may find yourselves talking about how many poos your little one has done.....

Oh and one thing which is non negotiable and is therefore not a sixth point....FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T PANIC!! THERE IS AN ANSWER YOU JUST HAVE TO WORK IT OUT!!!