Why is there a war against dads?

WATCHING your child come into the world is arguably one of the most life-changing events in a man’s life, certainly was for me.

But new research suggests that some fathers should steer clear of the delivery room because they could make the pain of childbirth even worse (!!)

A study by University College London, King's College London and the University of Hertfordshire suggests that women who lack emotional intimacy with their partner experienced more pain if they are on hand.

This 'news' has made the front page of no less than The Times today, what is it with this 'war' on dads?

Surely if we want men to be good dads we need to be involved from the very moment things 'get real'.

We will never experience the aches and pains, the kicks, that wonderful relationship that begins as the tummy expands, surely even the most squeamish men should be allowed to witness the birth of the baby they have helped make?

One minute there is a war against feckless dad who make a woman pregnant and abandon them and the next science is saying actually they shouldn't be there in the first place!

Is there no wonder some men are disconnected from the whole process? Pam would never have accepted me not being in the delivery room. 'Oh I can't cope with seeing her in all that pain' - newsflash it ain't a walk in the park for the mum either!!

No words can adequately express the moment your child arrives into the world. Jacob's entrance will be burned on to my mind forever as will that precious first half an hour cradling this wonderful if messy new arrival.

Instead of banishing dads, let's educate and talk about it. Because the reward is so worth it.

I'm thinking of a career change

WOO HOO 50 POSTS!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway now that is out of the way, I can start talking sense...what do you mean that would make a change???

I'VE had a strange feeling the last few days, the feeling that I want to leave my career behind and go down a different path, that of a male antenatal teacher.

This experience preparing us for J's arrival has really opened my eyes and shown me what an important role dads have for their partners through the pregnancy, birth and beyond.

But I have also seen how men can become disconnected with the process, like when you are virtually ignored at midwive appointments and the like.

And I don't know whether it's the giddyness of becoming a dad or just frustration with my current job as a local journalist but I really am thinking of retraining to become an antenatal teacher.

I have had so much help from the likes of Dean Beaumont at DaddyNatal and through the NCT course it has made me think what I can do to help other men becoming dads for the first time.

Without both courses I would be really dense about parenthood and while I appreciate there are many great dads like my good friend Craig aka @ADayInThisDadsLife who did no classes at all, some men (me) do need to learn the basics before baby's arrival.

It was interesting to talk about it at our most recent NCT class and even more so to find Isabelle our teacher was in full support and questioned why there were not more male antenatal teachers in the UK.

Pregnancy highlights the difference between the sexes in my opinion. Women are concerned about their changing body but begin to bond with their baby from a very early stage and obviously have all the attention, as they should.

Men are congratulated and have to make the connection themselves such as touching her belly and talking to the bump but experience no body changes other than the well known sympathy belly...that's my excuse anyway!

It's easy for a man to become disconnected and not involved, none of the changes actually happen to you but there is so much you can do be a great dad before your baby is even born.

I've learned that and do feel like I want to maybe pass on my knowledge to other dads to be, a brave move I know and could be a silly idea but hey, it would be a radical career change!

A DaddyNatal class to remember

ONE of the highlights of the Baby Show for me was a class by Dean Beaumont, founder of DaddyNatal, classes about pregnancy and birth for dads, by a dad.

Dean has three children and it's clear from the taster session we enjoyed at the Baby Show the full class is geared for blokes and how we can be the very best we can be during labour, birth and beyond.

One of the biggest messages I took away is I cannot fix what might happen, no matter how heavy my desire to do so as a man.

I have to be her advocate and her protector.

ADVOCATE - ensure her 'preferences' are listened to and adhered to (don't do a birth plan fellas, you can't plan childbirth, come up with preferences instead)

PROTECTOR - once the action gets going, protect that carefully crafted environment to ensure oxytocin and endorphins flow naturally while the biggest source of naughty adrenaline (me) basically doesn't exude any!.

It was a fascinating 45 minutes and at the conclusion I spoke to Dean for an article I wrote for the paper I edit which you can read here - http://www.eveshamobserver.co.uk/2014/07/14/news-Picking-up-all-you-need---and-a-lot-of-advice-111619.html

Newspaper articles are forever constained by word limits so I have reproduced the quotes from the interview here

"With the birth of my first, I had done traditional antenatal classes and we went through the birth. It wasn’t a particularly traumatic birth but I came out of it feeling guilty," he told me.

“That then affected the bonding with my son, I then looked at what I had I missed, what had I done wrong and came to the conclusion I hadn’t done anything wrong.

“There was nothing out there to prepare me, from there I went off, did my diploma, did my research and then we started and formed DaddyNatal.”

"It’s all about understanding on how we can best support our families so within the full class we look at the pregnancy, what is happening during the pregnancy, what mum is going through in the pregnancy.

"We look at what us men worry about, what the mums worry about so we get an understanding about that. It’s then on to our role during labour and birth and the post-natally as well we look at the things we have to be aware of and the changes for us and the mum.

“We also do the practical thing like learning how to swaddle, lean about baby wearing. Its all about how all of us make it work together as a family.

“I felt most of the classes I went to was about mum with a little bit thrown in for dad.

“Society has changed and because of this dads have been thrust into the birthing environment but without anyone supporting us to be there.

"Michel Odent came out four years ago and said dads have no place in the delivery room because we can be detrimental and we can be because the adrenillin we can create.

"Therefore if we going to propely support mum we are going to need to properly support dad so he does have a positive effect on the birth and not a negative one.

"We are not there yet, we obviously have different experiences across the country, but it is improving it is getting better but there is still a lot that more that can be done.

"I take it one stage further, I still think brands have a lot to answer for because still within the baby industry brands are very much focused on mums.

"If we had more positive images of dad roles within products it would be more generally accepted that we are talking about a family rather than mum and dad as separate units."

To try and help dads to be like me, I asked Dean for his three top tips to help us get through the biggest change we have ever experienced.

"Firstly, its about preparation, make sure you are prepared, make sure you understand, make sure you have your birth preferences sorted out.

“Secondly, its always about being honest, sometimes as dads if we are criticised we can withdraw, there is no room for withdrawing, we have got to step up, not in a manly way but be prepared to admit if we are unsure or uncertain and look for help.

“Thirdly, at the end of the day just remember we are all on a learning curve but its about our family, forget other people lets focus on what is right for you as a family and make your decisions based n that but always make an informed decision.

I would strongly recommend you buy 'The Expectant Dads Handbook' by the man himself (pic below) because fellas, everything you want to know but afraid to ask is in there in a language we understand!

Fantastic experience and a wonderful opportunity for me to learn from a dad who is clearly passionate about ensuring dads know as much as mums.

Visit www.daddynatal.co.uk for more information

Bumps, babies and bargains at The Baby Show

BUMPS, babies and bargains were all on show as The Baby Show came to Birmingham.

'The best baby products and brands, a fabulous line-up of guest speakers and heaps of family fun all in one place' screams the introduction to the official show guide for the popular Baby Show.

False advertising? Nope. No matter if it's your first or fifth baby, any expectant parent should visit the Baby Show.

When you first find out you are going to be parent, one of the many things which will daunt you is the sheer amount you have to buy for your new bundle of joy.

So what do the organisers of the Baby Show do? Try and get every baby product manufacturer under roof to make the shopping just a little easier.

There was even a race-track in the centre of the hall for you to 'road test' a particular range of pushchairs and travel systems.

All of the big names were in attendance from Tommee Tipee, Cosatto, Britax and Fisher Price to baby care giants Mothercare and Babies R'Us.

There were offers aplenty on all of the stands at prices to suit all pockets - it would not have surprised me if some parents got everything they needed on the day.

For those who truly shopped until they dropped there was even a shop and drop and collect by car service for those bigger purchases.

Guest speakers including Professor Robert Winston, Jo Tantum and Clare Byam-Cook were among those taking to the stage to share their wisdom during the weekend.

A particular highlight though were the classes run by The Natal Family, a family run company helping both mums and dads to be on the journey to parenthood.

Pam enjoyed a relaxing MummyNatal class which focuses on empowering mums-to-be to have the labour and birth they want.

Meanwhile I experienced a DaddyNatal class in the safe hands of Dean Beaumont, father of three and the first male antenatal teacher in the UK.

It was refreshing to be in a room full of dads to be, all of us nervous but instantly reassured by both Dean's own experience and his relaxed style which involves his audience immediately.

I have a whole other blog devoted to a chat with Dean, the original copy of this article was in the Evesham Observer today, therein is the disclaimer as I went to the show on a press ticket.

Visit www.thenatalfamily.co.uk for more information about MummyNatal and DaddyNatal.

So you're going to be a dad?

THIS is kind of similar to a blog I wrote last week about the ten things I have learned about pregnancy but after Neil Lyndon's article I thought I would share some dad to be specifics!

Finding out you are going to be a dad is wonderful, emotional, exciting but scary, frightening and sometimes plain boring when you feel like a spare part!

But go with the journey, there is actually plenty for you to do but for once in your life you are not the driver, you are a passenger.

1) It's OK to be scared - After the elation of finding out and congratulating your tackle for it's hard work reality can come and bite pretty hard. It's fine! You are just adjusting, talk it through if you feel the need but assess the situation with your partner. If she's had a grotty day don't start saying how you are worried, it will not be appreciated! If she keen to hear how you are feeling then  maybe share it, you'll find a load of your doubts aren't really that major.

2) Ride the wave of emotions - She will be angry at you for no reason, but pretty soon she'll be cuddling you and saying sorry. Be aware pregnancy brain can render your beloved completely incapable of some things, try and assist if you can.

3) Let her dictate what she does and when, like I said on the previous post, pregnant women are like iPhones, great fun with a full battery, next to useless when empty. Support and help with anything she is doing. When she has no energy, doing some chores to help also earns brownie points.

4) Educate yourself - don't be afraid to read up on what she is going through. The Expectant Dads Handbook by Dean Bennett of DaddyNatal is fantastic for blokes as it's written by a dad. If you understand what is happening you are likely to be calmer which is just better for your health let's be honest.

5) You are a spare part, it's fine - you will be ignored in the early stages, our midwife is lovely but frankly I didn't exist until recently! But to be honest, do you want any attention or do you want your pregnant partner to get 100 per cent of health professionals focus? A no brainer!

6) The 'Horn' - Not all dads will get this, I accept that. But yes, from the moment you find out you can feel even more horny than a bloke normally is, yes it's possible. A cuddle with your beloved, no real dirty thoughts or any touching and you are 'excited'. It's normal, for some reason your body has delivered a truck load of testosterone to reward you for your part in the conception. She probably won't want to help you relieve the situation (especially those first 12 weeks) so you may need some alone time. Things could change in the third trimester though but let her set the boundaries of what she wants to do. No point asking for sex if she is tired and plainly can't be bothered - you've both earned the right to enjoy it!

7) Establish what you will do in labour and birth - if you don't want to be down there having a good look, don't! I haven't heard yet of a mum to be mad with her partner for not wanting to have a look when baby begins his/her entrance. But if you want to cut the cord, decide early on and tell her you would like to.

8) And finally, GET INVOLVED - It's your baby too, feel him/her kick, talk to her belly, your baby can hear you after a certain time. Your partner will be delighted, she hasn't got to worry about you being distant.

Good luck!